On the small chance that you still check in on this blog or have it in your rss... I'm moving. http://www.jasonhassig.com
Anxiety? Let's talk about it.
6 years ago
About Me
I told myself I would not do it until I saw Andy do one... so why not join the crowd. (edit. weeks late at that. /shrugs)
1. I have a strange ability to make others around me feel as if I could do almost anything.
2. I pick up new hobbies and skills on whims.
3. I once told somebody within the first day of meeting them that I don't think we would be friends.
4. I was incredibly outgoing until about the age of 7, then I became very shy and slowly became less shy. Then about 3 years ago I mostly stopped caring and started saying whatever I felt like.
5. I love the movie Enchanted.
6. People tend to think that I lie a lot in reference to personal things, when in reality I'm telling the truth the majority of the time. I have one friend who can recognize the difference by the slight change of tone in my voice.
7. I'm an information hoarder. I want to know all I can about as much as I can (though #8 saves me from spending too much time on this). I like to understand everything, and it frustrates me beyond all measures when I can't understand something.
8. I have urges for perfection, overcome by apathy.
9. I've seen every episode of Hannah Montanna.
10. I always sleep with a fan running.
11. I almost always prefer texting to talking on the phone.
12. I want a tattoo but have yet to come up with anything I deem worthy of permanently putting on my body.
13. I've never been to an ikea.
14. I'm normally very quiet around new people. I'm not shy, you just learn more when you're not talking.
15.
16. I'm ridiculously self-analytical.
17. I intentionally chose to leave #15 blank.
18. I'll go out of my way to break rules. Especially if I consider them stupid.
19. I'm borderline egotistical, but at the same time think very low of myself.
20. I like to consider myself an artist, but at times I don't because most of what I create comes out of rationalism as opposed to creativity.
21. I once blurted out that I liked a girl, to her face... and the group of 15 other people that I was in the middle of addressing.
22. I take a lot of joy in shocking people or making them feel uncomfortable.
23. I never have any problems playing the devil's advocate.
24. I love movies, and not just in a general sense. I love the compilation of a good story, impaction music, and compelling images. I also tend to enjoy good movies more when I watch them alone and late at night when there are no distractions.
25. (I know I used several of these already, but I don't care) I'm very critical of everything I do, but I manage to cope with apathy. I also am incredibly self-analytical. And I am critical of everything around me, and expect others to use the same type of evaluation on me.
My eyes open and the light pours in like it's been waiting all it has been waiting all night to see my eyes again. I don't really care to look at the clock. I already know that the day started long ago without me. They days never wait on me anymore. Check my e-mail, turn on the tv, check the fridge. My heart drops a little as I realize there's not enough barbecue left to make a sandwich. Some chips and a root beer and it manages to pass for a meal. The rest of the house moves about running errands and being productive. I can already tell today will not be one of my more productive days. After a few texts and some time passing, a guest knocks and lets them self into the house. Now I have company to watch the time pass. Not to say that we did, but in regards to actual importance to our lives and to the world, we may as well have mounted a clock on the wall and watched the seconds tick away for the next few hours. The rest of the house eventually returns. I'm told being around people is healthly, but it strikes me as taxing the majority of the time. Only a few people fall exempt from this majority. I began to wonder what the evening held. It is Saturday afterall. But somehow I know what is coming. More people come. Dinner is served and there is even a cake in celebration for a birthday. Who decided cake was a celebration food. Odd how some decisions spread like a virus, infecting our culture never to be cured. Far to much to eat and I know feel at the sheer pinicle of laziness. With two friends on the couch, the lack of conversation is strangely lacking. The telvision flickers, taunting us with its hold. Dear lord, it's already after eleven. One friend departs and the other will not last much longer. Silence has settled over the house, urging me to end the day and let tomorrow come. I refuse. I will let tomorrow come when I am ready. Sadly my body tells my mind to take a backseat and let it come. I change and slide under the sheets. My eyes close and the darkness flows over, pushing the last remnats of light away.
The dvd slides into the slot. Take back movie: check. I get back in my car, put it back in gear, drive through the parking lot, and take a left. The roads are far less crowded at one in the morning. A normally busy road now lays serene as if it was built only for me. The car beeps, breaking the silent night air. My subconscious groans. I don't even have to look because already know the cause for the disturbance. The gas light is now glaring at me, mocking my procrastination. I should have put more gas in the tank yesterday. I silently calculate how many miles home and back to a gas station. I'm certain I could make it home tonight and just fill up tomorrow, but that kind of thinking got me where I am now. I drive a few more miles and pull into a station. There will not be any cheaper options between here and my house. The hose barely reaches, why do I never pull up far enough. The lights to the convenience store are all on, but I don't see a clerk. Oh well, I'll just get my gas and leave. The gas slowly fills the tank, far slower than normal. My bored mind imagines the man in the nearby car waiting for some sort of illegal exchange, and as if fate were reading my thoughts, another car pulled in right beside him. I looked the opposite direction as to not be any sort of witness. With the gas now pumping slower than ever I turn back around. The original man is now outside his car smoking and the other had entered the store. I guess I was wrong about it being closed. The gas pump clicks, jolting me out of my thoughts. I squeeze some more gas into the tank and close the lid. I now feel compelled to go inside the store. I have drinks at the house, I don't really feel like candy, and I really do not need any smokes either. Despite the lack of necessity I proceed to enter. Opening the door reveals a man making small talk with the clerk. The rack directly to me left has bags of candy, and suddenly candy does not sound like such a bad option. I gaze at them for a minute and opt to come back and choose after I have selected a drink. My eyes quickly locate the large cans of Arizona tea. The cans are big and only 99 cents, how could I not. Besides, I was told only two days ago that I simply must try the watermelon. What the hell, it's only 99 cents. My hands reach into the cooler and pull out a cold watermelon beverage. As I walk back to the candy rack the other customer finishes his small talk and leaves the store. I quickly choose a bag of gummy worms. I'm not certain why I am choosing those, but for some reason they sound very appealing. I grab the bag and make my way up to the counter. I walk slower than and normal person would and set my items down on the glass. As the clerk walks over to ring it up I start to wonder if I should make small talk. It would be so easy. There's a simple formula for small talk. But I simply do not feel like small talk, why waste the breaths. He rings up the two items and ask if that will be all. I gaze behind the counter pondering the answer to the question, but nothing begs for my attention so I respond positively. Slide the card, click accept and begin to walk away. Ugh, I did not sign. I just want to be back in my car. I leave the store and slowly walk back to my car, sizing up the other car leaving and wondering what they are up to so late on a Thursday. I look at my massive drink and candy. So much for going to bed early tonight. The key slides into the ignition. Fill up with gas: check. I put the car in gear, drive through the parking lot, and take a right.
Dear person with a 'private property' sign in your front yard,
I just wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for you placing a small Private Property sign in your front yard. As I drive by on a main road, I can clearly see the small sign thanks to your excellent placement. You are far ahead of your neighbors who are all sign-less. Just last week I was scouting for picnic locations and thanks to your wonderful foresight I did not confuse your mediocre yard for a public location in which I could enjoy a peaceful Tuesday afternoon picnic.
Signed,
A thankful citizen
It has been quite a while since my last blog, and it is basically the same reasons as usual. I have a lot on my mind, but few that I really care to make widely available to anyone with access to the internet - which is certainly not an elite group these days. It is humerus to me how life progresses. Over the past 8 months I could not possibly count the number of times where I and even those around me have said, "I did not see this coming," (or something to the similar effect). We constantly make plans, goals, or at least have loose ideas and aspirations to what our future might hold. Some people are better at others at chasing down their goals and pouncing on opportunities, but in reality they generally cross great opportunities on no volition of their own. In the past 5 years I do not believe I have heard one person say, "This is exactly how I planned on it!"
meh. guess we'll just go with the flow.
It never ceases to amuse me how we interact with one another as humans. We constantly have things we would love to say to certain people, but for a myriad of reasons we hold back. We bite our tongues, devising a strategy to deliver our message. This is not directed solely at confronting people with words; it is a much larger scale. We are driven by needs to connect, to be loved, to be accepted, and we are more often than not willing to sacrifice who we are and who we would like to be to obtain those needs. And while we all seem to be in the same boat, we frequently establish walls between our interactions, only to be opened with time and commitment like a small stream carving a canyon. Although I don't believe we could handle it otherwise. It seems as if we will always live with this strange dichotomy. No matter how much we talk about or long for authenticity, we will never be completely free and direct in all of our interactions. Oh well, we learn and we adapt - some better than others. Despite it's complexity, our interactions operate on a system and always will.
Thoughts?
I wish I blogged more. I have a lot of thoughts that seem like they should be remembered for later. Some for personal reasons; some communal. But alas, I do not seem to take the time to sit down and unjumble them to a coherent, written form. Perhaps it is indecisiveness, or maybe I just don't deem them as worthy to be shared as I'd like to imagine. So, now that that completely useless rambling is over, here's another design I recently did for personal enjoyment (not to mention trying to keep the rust off).
Most people who come across this blog have probably already read this, but for those of you who haven't...
http://joegabbard.blogspot.com/2008/09/pro-life.html
This post makes me think of something that I heard recently and has come up in multiple conversations the last few days. I don't give a horse's ass what you say is important to you, show me where you spend your money (or time) and I'll know what's important to you. Talk and rhetoric are starting to wear me out.
I never really put designs up on this blog, but I suppose the change of this blog has been one of the only consistent things of the blog. Anyway... here's a wallpaper I did the other day.
Somehow or another I seem to have struck an odd placement between being incredibly realistic yet overwhelmingly idealistic. It's a strange paradox that creates harsh uncertainty at every turn. It makes me feel like I am on a small island. This island can sustain life, but it is small, and holds no hope for larger aspirations. All rational and realistic expectations would vote to make due and set up shop on the small island, insuring survivability. Yet the idealistic yearnings long to find a larger island with waterfalls and some sort of meaningful purpose. To find the newer, larger island and populate would be a dream come true. It would be the ideal outcome. So what happens? You end up on a half-ass raft in the open ocean with all rational thinking shouting to turn around and head back to the small, safe island and every idealistic whim in your body screaming to keep going in hopes of finding something more. In turn comes three possible outcomes: turning back and living out on a small, purposeless island, venturing out and possibly finding something more, or perhaps just drowning on the open ocean in an unending search for more or in the inability to make a decision.
So what do I say? - Happy Sailing.
I loosely watched the national conventions the past few weeks, and towards the end of his speech, McCain said something that really stood out from the normal rhetoric.
"If you find faults with our country, make it a better one. If you're disappointed with the mistakes of government, join its ranks and work to correct them. Enlist in our armed forces. Become a teacher. Enter the ministry. Run for public office. Feed a hungry child. Teach an illiterate adult to read. Comfort the afflicted. Defend the rights of the oppressed. Our country will be the better, and you will be the happier. Because nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause greater than yourself."
How true this is, not only with our country, but with our schools, our churches, our jobs, and everything that we are a part of in our lives. We are not meant to be self-consumed. We are meant to live for things greater than ourselves.
I like night. I always have. The night time has always felt peaceful. It has a tendency to be much quieter. My aunts and uncles are no longer calling the house asking for my parents. The calls from solicitors cease, and fewer cars travel the roads. Everything about it whispers a quiet, serene story that does not seem to care whether it is heard. The darkness drapes the landscape and all things brightened by the harsh daylight. Things that were once clear and easy to see are hidden by a shroud of black, occasionally highlighted by moonlight or harshly brought to sight by our man made lights. For some reason, this limited vision and lack of ability to see into this distance brings peace. What is strange is how darkness limits what we can see around us, but it is the only time we can see into the cosmos, places far beyond our world. The light retreats to rest for the evening and darkness quickly fills it's gap. It drapes everything and provides the opportunity to look up to a world the light hides so crassly as if the sun is afraid we will cheat on her with other stars and novas.
Is it just me or does everything always seem to come all at once? In freelancing, the term 'feast or famine' seems to be thrown around a good deal. It entails how many freelancers have a lot of business coming in and then seems to drop to a famine stage. The same seems to be true with the rest of life so often. I am supposed to be starting on a big website that could be anywhere from another 2-4 weeks away. It seems like I might be getting some brochure designs in a month. Supposedly conventions are supposed to start in late September, but that one is yet to be confirmed. Then yesterday I receive and email from the News Journal, saying they need a photographer every Friday night for the next 10 weeks for faces of the crowd at football games.
All wonderful and exciting things, but it's interesting how everything just seems to come at once. All the while we're trying to get this small group series rolling. Where was all this stuff the past 2-3 months? Oh well.
There's a movement in ministry that attempts to return to the basics, to focus on love and community. Now, scholars, leaders, laymen and everything in between have discussed, written, or argued about the specifics and whether focus is being lost, but that is not the point for now. I was recently on a website for a well known "community" when I was reminded of all the new buzzwords being thrown around. Fusion, paradigm, journey... and the list could go on for days. I have nothing against these words. I am certain that I likely use them myself on occasion.
It seems that my mind has trouble lately outlining thoughts like this, and I cannot help but feel that part of that is rooted in my disdain for bullet points, especially when they all start with the same letter or spell some relevant word. Not that these are not valid ways for communicating ideas or that they're not memorable for most... I'm just tired of it. On the other side, I find long, well structured sentences riddled with the latest buzzwords difficult to swallow as of late. We are so engulfed in a society that is drowning in information, conveniently filtered to us by the latest marketing.
I'm very perceptive. I reason things out well, and I feel like I am decently knowledgeable in some areas. But somehow, this doesn't seem to be enough. It is very challenging for me to go all out for things. So often my heart seems to be absent from my actives. It certainly affects my productivity and success in personal and business endeavors, but what worries me most is spiritually.
I realize that the previous paragraph is much like a fragment sentence as it starts a thought then offers no closure or solution... but that's how I feel at the moment.
My fortune cookie at P.F. Chang's last night informed me that I will be moving into a new, nice house within a year.
Score.
I've been wanting to write for a while now. But every time I feel the desire to write, I decide not too, largely due to the secretive nature of the content, not that I work for the government, but somehow or another I end up holding a lot of other people's secrets (and a few of my own). On a slightly different note however, the other week was the first time in the past few months were I felt hopeful about my near future. Of course... in the past few days I really began to question the places I am heading and new opportunities seems like they are on the horizon. So we will see how things play out. I will expound on things in a later post.
Well, I am still somewhat unemployed, so finances are not exactly rolling in at the moment. In light of this, seeing $25 charges on my checking account that I did not authorize does not really fill me with joy. Apparently... that whole 8 week free magazine trial at Best Buy has some fine print to it. For what seemed like years, I turned down that offer every time I made a purchase from their store, but about two months ago I said sure, why the hell not. I got myself a free 8 week subscription to Time (I guess I wanted to be more cultured or something). Well, this morning I find a $24.95 charge on my debit card from TWX*TIME/BEST BUY.
Apparently it is a free 8 week trial if you can figure out how to cancel it within 7-8 weeks, otherwise you get another 16 weeks and it back charges you for the 8 "free" weeks then automatically renews every 6 months at a price higher than you could get straight from the Time website. Fortunately, as I have learned from past lessons, as long as you can write demanding e-mails or wait on the phone long enough you can get almost anything refunded. I doubt I will stop shopping at Best Buy or do much of anything, but I will will casually announce my new disdain for Best Buy, which also has ground in them losing my application 5 years ago. Screw you Best Buy.
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